i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
