i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
