my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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