just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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