I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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