I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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