i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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