my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
