If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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