The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
