she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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