I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
