I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
