paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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