he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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