you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
