i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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