At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
