A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
