I heard we made out
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
