I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
