his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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