I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
