I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
