Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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