Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
