my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
