True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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