I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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