You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
