My room smells like vodka and shame
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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