May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
