I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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