Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
