Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
