someone owes me an orgasm
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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