Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
