there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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