Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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