I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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