Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
