I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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