she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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