I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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