when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
