i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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