we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
