I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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