I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
