Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
