i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Text me some of your sweat
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
