i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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